Who Do You Call?
- opinion -
As a courtesy to visiting Transpac sailors we provide below a list of emergency contact numbers in the event that you become traumatized by your harbor experience here in Hawaii. If you are unfamiliar with our boating scene here, you may want to refer to this article. By the way, in the latter post, we've advised TP crewmembers to bring lots of alcohol wipes. If you haven't read the article you might want to do so now.
For all harbor quality control issues please call Ed Underwood at (808) 587-1966, or write him directly at: ed.r.underwood@hawaii.gov. Ed's got a good sense of humor and he’s a friendly guy, so start your message off with “Hi Ed!" . . . as in . . . Hi Ed! The reason why I'm writing is because I was wondering if the Ala Wai's 600 row was the target of a terrorist attack and should we be worried? . . . (or) Hi Ed! What's that ship doing parked on land across from the Waikiki Yacht Club? Was that your idea? Nice touch . . . except where is Maserati going to park this year? (or) Hi Ed, who are those strange people in the public bathrooms at the harbor?”
For environmental issues that you may stumble upon during your visit –- the Ala Wai’s periodic title wave of plastic, MRSA tainted harbor water, or that odd tree that bumps your hull -- please give Suzanne Case a tingle at (808) 587-0400. She doesn’t pick up right away, but don’t worry, we’re told she’s there. You can also contact her directly at suzanne.case@hawaii.gov. Despite your problem, please try to sound upbeat, even if you're fighting off a little MRSA infection from a hospital bed over at Queens. Rumor has it that Suzanne wants to be known as an environmentalist. We'll update you here when we find that out for sure.
Media coverage: the best smoke machine we know of that’s attached to the harbor system is Dan Dennison. So, you came in last? Get over it! Give Dan a call at (808) 587-0407 and he’ll spin you up something that will make you look like the next contender for the America’s cup. Contact him by email at: dan.w.dennison@hawaii.gov
For legal issues please give our Attorney General, Clare Connors a ring, or write to her directly at hawaiiag@hawaii.gov. AG Connors is wonderfully creative – almost a magician – and can turn stuff that’s caustically illegal into a warm and fuzzy Twitter post, in the blink of an eye. They don't call her "Hawaii's Twitter Queen" for nothing! Her harbors division minion, whom she refers to as her “deputy” (a nice touch) is Bill Wynhoff. Deputy Billy and his posse of ultrabrights struggle a bit with legal stuff, but we understand that he is a member of the Bar -- we just don’t know what his beverage of choice is. Contact Bill at: Bill.J.Wynhoff@hawaii.gov.
Homelessness and drug addiction are little problems we’re trying to work though here in Hawaii. If you’d like an update as to where we’re at with that –- because drug addicted homeless people can be Transpac party poopers -- you might want to give Senator Sharon Moriwaki and Representative Tom Brower a call. Sharon and Tom represent the Waikiki district, where your boat is probably located right now, and have been remarkably adroit at acknowledging these problems. Contact them at: Sen. Moriwake: senmoriwaki@capitol.hawaii.gov; Rep. Brower: repbrower@capitol.hawaii.gov. By the way, do you see that big 85’, 149 passenger ship over there directly across from the Waikiki Yacht Club, on the lot just Ala Moana Center-side of the luxurious Prince Waikiki hotel? That’s the “Gateway to Waikiki” and it’s quickly becoming a homeless shelter. Good one, Tom and Sharon! Such compassion. In all fairness, we can’t give Tom and Sharon ALL the credit. Ed Underwood managed to sneak -- yes, sneak -- that hulk in here, probably with the homeless in mind, and then charge recreational boat owners for its salvage. That’s why Ed gets the big bucks.
Speaking of the Prince Waikiki, it is possible to spend thousands of dollars per night as a guest there. $Thousands. The view directly in front of the Prince, over the past few months – until today -- has been a sunken, derelict 45’ vessel that has been leaking oil for the same amount of time. The Coast Guard came by and said it wasn’t their problem and to call the DLNR (that’s Suzanne Case’s little group), and when the DLNR was alerted, well . . . they fell asleep, or got lost, possibly as a result of the GPS jammers that come standard issue on all of their vehicles. At one point, the smell from the diesel oil leaking from that vessel literally cleared the outdoor dining tables at the Waikiki Yacht Club.
So there you have it. You’ve got problems . . . we’ve got answers. Have a great stay in Hawaii and always remember: there’s always someone to call if the visit’s not going as planned. The trick is not to have any expectations; no expectations and you’ll never be disappointed here.